Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
