Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize