Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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