Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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