I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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