remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize