Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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