ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My bed smells like the plague
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
