i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
