i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
