i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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