Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
