I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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