I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
