Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
