i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
