All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
