meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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