well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
