I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
