If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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