I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
