Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize