i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize