just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize