I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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