i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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