I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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