He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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