2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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