took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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