if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
