I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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