I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
