DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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