life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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