Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
