I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
