at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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