Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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