I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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