She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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