I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
