So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
