Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just pee around me
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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