I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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