So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
