I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
