She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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