she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
