I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize