Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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