Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
