a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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