We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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